Self-Worth & Attachment Episode 13: Why We Chase People Who Don’t Choose Us

Why We Chase People Who Don’t Choose Us

It’s not love we’re chasing—it’s the validation we never received.

Have you ever found yourself clinging to someone who never fully chose you? You give more, try harder, wait longer—hoping that one day, they’ll return the love you offer. But what if this pattern isn’t about them at all, but about your own beliefs about self-worth?

The Deeper Psychology Behind This Pattern

• Childhood wounds: Those who grew up with emotionally distant or inconsistent caregivers often recreate that dynamic in adulthood.
• Unconscious beliefs: “If I work hard enough, I’ll be loved.” This belief is deeply rooted in performance-based worth.
• Fear of abandonment: The chase becomes a way to prove we’re not unlovable, even if the other person never truly commits.

Signs You’re Trapped in the Chase

• Feeling anxious when they don’t respond
• Making excuses for their lack of effort
• Confusing unpredictability with passion

This pattern reinforces a painful idea: “I must earn love, not simply receive it.” But the truth is, real love doesn’t need to be earned—it needs to be recognized.

How to Begin Healing

Healing starts by returning to your own heart and asking, “Do I believe I am worthy of love that feels safe, stable, and mutual?”

• Reflect on where your need to chase comes from
• Grieve the love you never received—it helps release the grip of the past
• Choose partners who see you clearly and meet you halfway

Books That Help You Go Deeper

1. Attached by Amir Levine & Rachel Heller – Essential guide on attachment and why we chase emotionally unavailable people.
2. The Human Magnet Syndrome by Ross Rosenberg – Understanding codependent patterns and narcissistic dynamics.
3. Worthy by Jamie Kern Lima – A heartful guide to reclaiming self-worth and stopping the chase.