Love Psychology Episode 16: When Love Feels Like Anxiety—Not Safety

When Love Feels Like Anxiety—Not Safety

It’s not love if your nervous system is always in overdrive. That’s anxiety—and it’s asking for safety, not romance.

Many people confuse anxiety for chemistry. The butterflies. The obsession. The constant waiting. It feels exciting—until it feels exhausting. Anxious love keeps you chasing clarity that never comes. You’re not building connection; you’re fighting for reassurance.

Why Anxious Love Feels So Intense

• Unpredictability fuels desire: Inconsistent affection can create addictive highs and lows.
• Early attachment wounds: If love was unstable in childhood, chaos may now feel normal—or even romantic.
• Fear of abandonment: You mistake anxiety for passion, thinking it means you care deeply.

Signs You’re Experiencing Anxious Love

• You constantly overthink their messages or silences
• You feel more insecure *in* the relationship than before it
• Your self-worth depends on how they respond to you

Love shouldn’t feel like a test you’re always about to fail. It should feel like a place to land—not perform.

Healing Through Secure Love

• Recognize that *true love calms you*, it doesn’t confuse you
• Start validating your own needs before begging for breadcrumbs
• Choose partners who are consistent, communicative, and calm

Books That Help You Go Deeper

1. Anxiously Attached by Jessica Baum – How anxious attachment impacts love and how to heal.
2. Attached by Amir Levine & Rachel Heller – Identifying attachment styles and finding secure partners.
3. Insecure in Love by Leslie Becker-Phelps – Breaking patterns of emotional dependence.