Self-Worth & Attachment – Episode 10: When You Mistake Control for Confidence
Does being in control make you feel safe?
On the surface, control looks like strength. You make the plans, keep things organized, and handle problems quickly. People may even admire your decisiveness and drive. But beneath the surface, control is often fueled by fear — the fear of things falling apart, of being hurt, or of not being good enough unless everything is under your watch.
Real confidence is rooted in trust. Control, by contrast, is rooted in anxiety.
When your sense of self-worth is shaky, control becomes a survival strategy. If you grew up in an unstable environment — emotionally chaotic, unpredictable, or neglectful — then managing everything may have become your way to feel safe.
You weren’t taught to feel secure. So you learned to manufacture security by controlling outcomes.
This plays out in your adult life like this:
- You overprepare for every possibility.
- You feel anxious when plans change suddenly.
- You have a hard time trusting others to handle things.
- You struggle with vulnerability because it feels like losing control.
But here’s the trap: The more you try to control everything, the more exhausted and disconnected you feel. You end up mistaking hyper-independence for empowerment — but it’s really a form of emotional isolation.
Control says, “If I can just manage it all, I’ll finally feel okay.” Confidence says, “Even if things don’t go my way, I will be okay.”
Confidence allows life to move. Control tries to force it into place.
And when your identity is wrapped up in control, any sign of uncertainty feels like a threat — not just to the situation, but to your sense of self.
So what’s the alternative?
- Start by noticing what triggers your need to control.
- Practice allowing small uncertainties.
- Let go of perfectionism in favor of flexibility.
- Build relationships where trust can grow without micromanagement.
You are allowed to rest. You are allowed to let go. You are enough — even when you're not in control.
Confidence isn't about controlling life — it's about learning to trust yourself through its uncertainty.
📚 Books That Help You Go Deeper
- The Mountain Is You by Brianna Wiest
- Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach
- Letting Go by David R. Hawkins