Love Psychology Series – Episode 9: Why We Fall for People Who Can’t Love Us Back
Love Psychology Series – Episode 9: Why We Fall for People Who Can’t Love Us Back
You give. You try. You wait. And still, they pull away. You’re left wondering why you keep falling for people who don’t—or won’t—love you back.
This post by Dr. Paul Lee explores why we’re drawn to emotionally unavailable people, what it says about our own attachment patterns, and how to begin choosing the love we actually deserve.
1. You’re Trying to Heal the Past Through the Present
Unconsciously, we often chase people who mirror the pain we once felt: an absent parent, a dismissive caregiver, a love we never received.
You’re not choosing them because they’re right for you. You’re choosing them because a part of you wants to finally feel chosen by someone like them.
2. The Chase Feels Familiar—And Familiar Feels Safe
If you’ve only known love as a struggle, then ease may feel foreign. You confuse anxiety with excitement. Calm love feels boring. Uncertainty feels romantic.
But real love doesn’t make you question your worth. It makes you feel safe, seen, and secure.
3. You Equate Effort with Value
You believe the more you give, the more you’ll be loved. But people who can’t love you back aren’t moved by your efforts—they’re numbed by their own wounds.
You can’t earn love from someone incapable of giving it. And you don’t have to prove your worth to be loved at all.
4. Healing Begins with Self-Honesty
Ask yourself: Do I want this person, or do I want to be the one who finally makes them love?
There’s no shame in wanting to be chosen. But when that desire eclipses your peace, it’s time to choose yourself.
Conclusion: You Deserve More Than Almost-Love
Stop romanticizing emotional unavailability. Stop calling inconsistency “passion.” And stop shrinking to fit into someone else’s emotional limitations.
You deserve to be loved by someone who shows up, stays, and chooses you fully—without needing to be fixed, chased, or convinced.
Written by Dr. Paul Lee
Founder of The Mind Behind Love
📘 Books That Help You Go Deeper
- Attached by Amir Levine & Rachel Heller – Understand how attachment styles influence your romantic choices.
- Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix – A transformative look at why we pick emotionally unavailable partners.
- Deeper Dating by Ken Page – A soulful guide to finding lasting love through emotional presence.