Love Psychology Series – Episode 7: Why We Chase Love That Hurts Us
Love Psychology Series – Episode 7: Why We Chase Love That Hurts Us
You know it isn’t good for you. They pull away, disrespect you, or leave you feeling empty. And yet, you can’t stop going back. You call it love—but it feels more like pain.
In this post, Dr. Paul Lee explores why we sometimes become addicted to the very relationships that wound us, what psychological patterns keep us stuck, and how to start choosing love that heals instead of hurts.
1. Pain That Feels Familiar
When chaos or rejection was part of your early emotional blueprint, your body may unconsciously seek that same emotional rhythm in adulthood. You’re not choosing pain on purpose—you’re choosing what feels familiar. And familiar often feels safer than the unknown.
That’s why love that feels calm or consistent might feel “boring” at first. It’s not boring. It’s just unfamiliar safety.
2. You Mistake Intensity for Intimacy
When love hurts, it often comes with highs and lows—passion, distance, hope, fear. You mistake that emotional rollercoaster for depth. But true intimacy is not chaotic. It’s steady. It doesn’t demand suffering to prove its realness.
If you’ve only known love that hurts, you may believe pain is part of the price. It’s not. You’ve just been overpaying for something that was never meant to cost you.
3. The Fixer Fantasy
You fall in love with potential. You think, “If I love them enough, they’ll change.” But real love doesn’t require fixing someone to feel worthy. That’s a wound trying to heal through repetition—not a relationship.
You are not a rehab center for broken partners. You are not the solution to someone else's lack of emotional growth.
4. The Fear of Real Love
Sometimes, you chase the love that hurts because you're afraid of love that stays. Consistency feels scary. Vulnerability feels risky. So you return to what keeps you emotionally distant—even if it’s painful.
Healing means recognizing that healthy love might feel unfamiliar, but it's exactly what your heart has needed all along.
Conclusion: Real Love Doesn’t Hurt Like That
Love is not supposed to break you. It’s not supposed to keep you guessing or recovering. It’s supposed to feel like safety—not survival.
You deserve love that doesn’t make you bleed just to prove it’s real. The kind of love that doesn’t require pain to be true is out there. And it begins with you choosing differently.
Written by Dr. Paul Lee
Founder of The Mind Behind Love
📘 Books That Help You Go Deeper
- Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood – A powerful exploration of why we confuse love with emotional dependency.
- Attached by Amir Levine & Rachel Heller – Essential reading for understanding attachment styles and breaking harmful cycles.
- How to Do the Work by Dr. Nicole LePera – A self-healing guide for breaking free from toxic emotional loops.