Why We Chase People Who Don’t Want Us (Love Psychology Series #2)
Why We Chase People Who Don’t Want Us (Love Psychology Series #2)
It’s one of the most painful patterns in love: we give our heart to people who don’t seem to want it. We chase after those who pull away, remain emotionally unavailable, or give us just enough to keep us hoping—but never enough to feel secure.
Why do we do this? Are we broken? Addicted to pain? Or is something deeper at play—something buried in our psychology and attachment wiring?
In this post, Dr. Paul Lee explores why we often fall for people who don’t reciprocate, and how to begin freeing ourselves from the cycle of chasing love that always runs.
1. Your Attachment Style Is Running the Show
Our romantic behavior is deeply influenced by our early attachment experiences. If you have an anxious attachment style, you’re more likely to pursue people who seem emotionally unavailable. Why? Because it mimics the love you learned in childhood—love that was inconsistent, unpredictable, or conditional.
The chase feels familiar, even exciting. But it’s not love—it’s survival mode. Your nervous system is trying to resolve the unfinished emotional business of your past by chasing someone in the present.
2. We Want What We Think We Don’t Deserve
Sometimes, we chase people not because they’re amazing, but because we believe we’re not. Low self-worth convinces us that if someone is “hard to get,” they must be better than us. So when someone is distant, we assume their validation is more valuable.
This makes rejection feel like a challenge—and approval feel like a prize. But real love doesn’t need to be earned. It’s not a prize. It’s a connection.
3. The Chase Keeps Us Safe From Intimacy
Chasing unavailable people is a clever form of emotional self-protection. As long as we’re chasing, we never have to truly receive love. We don’t have to be vulnerable, open, or seen.
Sometimes, deep down, we fear intimacy more than rejection. The chase becomes a way to feel like we’re trying—without ever having to fully show up.
4. Chemistry Isn’t Always Compatibility
The people we’re most drawn to often activate our deepest wounds. That spark? It’s not always connection. Sometimes, it’s recognition—your pain recognizing itself in another person.
We confuse longing with love, and uncertainty with excitement. But real love feels calm. Safe. Mutual. It doesn’t leave you wondering if you’re enough.
Conclusion: You Don’t Have to Chase What’s Meant for You
You are worthy of love that doesn’t run. Of connection that comes toward you, not away. The more you heal, the less interesting the chase becomes.
Because real love won’t make you chase—it will make you feel chosen.
Written by Dr. Paul Lee
Founder of The Mind Behind Love
📘 Books That Help You Go Deeper
- Attached by Amir Levine & Rachel Heller – Explains why we’re drawn to the unavailable, and how to stop chasing emotionally distant partners.
- Insecure in Love by Leslie Becker-Phelps – A powerful guide to overcoming anxious attachment and fear of rejection.
- Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood – A classic exploration of why we obsess over those who don’t choose us back.